what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We have so much sex to catch up on
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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