He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
