I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
