erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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