apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
