Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
