Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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