I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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