you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
