Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
