if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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