So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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