I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
