dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
