I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
