I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
