So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
