happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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