I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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