Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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