Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
there's paper in my vomit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
