Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
