I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
