i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
