Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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