My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
