you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
