God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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