I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
