yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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