hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
