Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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