Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
