The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
