I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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