They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
