If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize