found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will be naked everywhere
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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