Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
