I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
