Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
