the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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