mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
