Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
