From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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