thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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