I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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