After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
