shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
there is glitter all over my balls
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