what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
