The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
