Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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