Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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