I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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