I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
