Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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