before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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