I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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