I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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