Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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